Letter to dad

Dear Deuta,

I’m still finding it hard to believe you are no more. The last I saw you wasn’t a very good sight. You were lying still with a pipe inside your mouth and lots of gadgets attached to your body. I whispered something in your ears and I thought you will wake up listening to it...but you still didn’t. At first I thought it is a dream and it will be over soon. But with each passing day the people around me and the situation at home are making me realize that its not and that you are gone forever and will never get to see you again. You did not give me enough time to show you that I don’t drive that bad...time to cook tandori chicken for you that u asked for so many times...time to watch the movie ‘bheja fry’ one last time...time to go to Noida Golf Course to have that chicken you were always talking about...time to make you watch ‘memories’ video one last time...time to make you meet my friends you wanted to meet...time to take you to ‘Jim Corbett’. You did not give me time to tell you that I learned the song ‘Manuhe manuhor babe’ for you.

As I am writing this, I can somehow see you singing ‘kala prem janena’...the smiling face and sparkle in your eyes...and I’m so glad I have captured all these moments of yours. But deuta, I’ll miss you so much. I’ll never get to hear you say ‘Piply, photo tul aako’ (Piply, take pictures) and ‘Piply, camera tu kot?’ (Where is the camera?). The way you used to say after taking a picture ‘Etu world’or best photograh hobo’ (This going to be world’s best photograph)...even after u have cut few people out of the frame. I’ll miss the way you used to pull my leg...’Toi mukh khon kiyo fulai thoiso’...’tur mukh khon enduror nisna’ (your face looks like a rodent). I remember when I was a kid you used to say...’Kha...etu local maas hoi’ (eat..thats a local fish)...’maas khale souku bhaal hoi’ (fish is good for your eyes).

I wonder why you did not give me time to tell you that I love you and why you did not hug me one last time?

You are not dead for me...You are here with me and I know you are looking for an opportunity to pull my leg and I know you are reading this too.

Deuta, I love you and you are still alive for me.

Your’s irritating daughter who loves troubling you
Piply (Endur)

15th January, 2010

Mom knocked at my door around 5 AM on 15th Jan and said 'Go and call our next door Doctor...dad is not feeling well'. I jumped out of the bed and rushed to call a doc. I saw my dad then...alive...twisting and turning in his bed and calling out to his friend "Paresh...do something I'm not feeling well". And when the doc came..my dad apologized to the doc for disturbing his sleep. And, soon after that dad lost consciousness. We rushed to the hospital. Later after 1.5 hours or so...the doctor told me the chances of survival is very low. I didn't know what to do...whom to talk to...I decided not to tell mom coz I knew she won't be able to take it. Around 8:45 AM...we got the news...I didn't know what to do again and felt it was a dream rather a nightmare. But it wasn't. I was too scared to go inside the ICU and have a look at my dad's still and emotionless face. But I somehow gathered the courage and went inside the ICU. I saw mom sitting next to my dad's bed and crying uncontrolably. I still didn't look at my dad's lifeless body. I picked up mom and took her outside. I came back later and gathered courage to look at my father. I saw then...my father...no pipes attached to his body now....people trying to cover his body with a white sheet of cloth. I saw my dad...sleeping and not snoring this time...not uttering a word...I felt as if he will get up and will ask for a cup of tea...or will just get up and start annoying me or will start pulling my leg...but he didn't. He lay still.

I wanted to cry like a baby but people told me to be strong and not to cry. I did not. With each passing day...I buried my feelings and my emotions....buried so deep that I'm finding it difficult to breathe. I don't even want to acknowledge the fact that my father is no more.

I feel he is alive...he is with me...watching and guiding me. But will I ever get those warm hugs from him? Will I ever get to listen to 'Mone pore'? I guess not.

I know you are watching me, dad. I miss you so much.